I hardly ever come around here these days...I just didn't have much to say or so I thought. But could it be, I had lost my voice? My will to express...maybe. There are times when I'm confounded with things that are too personal to be talked about--times when I think no-one will understand. Even if they do, who keeps a secret these days anyways. I must be crazy to think talking here is personal. But somewhere in my heart, I feel secure in knowing that readers would just come by, read, wish me well and move on with their lives.
You see, I'm planning to settle down with the guy I love in another 14 days. In two weeks. But we are STILL sorting out things. Does this happen to people? We've been dating for 3 years now and thought we knew each other well enough to last a lifetime. But it's been about 3 weeks since we have been discovering a lot about each other...mostly negative. Does the pressure of a wedding bring out the worse in couples? I think it does....It has not been a happy 'planning period' for me...Is there any bride out there who have enjoyed planning her wedding? I SO want to know...what I feel is just not right--why must I go through so much pressure? so much unhappiness. But I know that once we get through this phase, it's 'live happily ever after' time for us. I just need some extra courage, patience, and wisdom to take our lives forward.
Monday, March 1, 2010
My eyes are still sore with glancing through the flimsy shadows of my dreams.
It’s already the secondth month of 2010. Actually just a week before the 3rd month. 2010 January was the most fruitful months of all these years. I say this because I took off on a real first abroad vacation. ..and it was worth it. I even started a blog to document my travel experience and I hope I’ll be writing more than I do here.
It’s amazing how time flies and at the end of this year I don’t want look back and say “oh I don’t know what I did” and feel terribly frustrated and depressed that another year goes by without any ‘milestones’. When I was 20 and then 20 somethings I had a mental note of what I wanted to do before I hit thirty but I was always busy writing assignments or too busy attending classes and therefore not enough time to do anything else. And I kept saying ‘once I’m through with this.’ I haven’t quite hit the thirty mark but am getting there...am just this much away from it. I don’t remember any of the things I wanted to do...perhaps they weren’t interesting enough? But that ‘list of things to do before I hit thirty’ kept me going if not very far.
Today, my life is pretty much mapped out. For the first time in my life, I’m certain of my future. Do you know how much happiness that brings you? I’ve been floating tiring and disastrous at times but I know I’m heading towards the right direction. Just so that I do not get carried away I'm determined to maintian monthly targets this year. January has been good. February is not so good but I still have a week to turn that around :) I should nail the interview and that might change some things around me or perhaps “Me” ;)
If that happens March and the following month looks pretty fine. If not, I just plan to write and this time some real stuff and knock the damn ‘dissatisfaction’ feeling off my chest.
After the idea of taking a trip to Thailand came about, I started researching online esp. the islands. We finally decided on Ko Chang, because he wanted to work and required a quiet, clam envirnment and I, wanted a break from the city and the markets. Cliff Cottage had been on mind for the longest time...first of all, for the excellent comments on it by guests and secondly the 'back to basic' setting and thirdly, the oh-so-very-cheap room rent. I was only apprehensive about the shared bath rooms but that's turning out to be just fine. It's quiet an expereince, one of it's kind--in a rickety hut built with bamboo, wood and thatch roofs, a vintage table fan, rock hard mattress-- hut that comes with a small balcony that has an wooden chair, a hammock and a couple of cushions thrown around. You look around and you know nature has given this place a fair deal.
I love the deck the best... in fact it looks like everybody love be be here... you have the view of the ocean with tiny hills on the sides. there are hammocks, floor cushions, beach chairs, swing chairs, also a bamboo bed! the sound of the blue water playing around, and the sight of the unending ocean under the blue sky is what this place is made of.
There are a lot of back packers and also those who have this a home. For us, it's our second day here and as much as we love our comforts, we must experience nature in it's best possible way sometimes...and I guess, cliff cottage gives us that. Natural (discomforts included) and beautiful.
It's cold outside, it has been for a few weeks now... but this shall pass soon. And summer it will be, long, dry and sweaty. If only i could make winter stay just a bit longer...until at least I say I do. Summer and Monsoon's coming on my way of perfection. Sigh, could I get through this? could I? could I? where and when? a delayed October so that I could feel the sand and the echoes of the church wall? or the planned June behind enclosed doors and multitudes of strangers? life is complicated as it is. Summer and monsoon were supposed to be least of the problems.
Being with my Loved one without the TV around. That is ONE established fact. I experience complete happiness when we hang around leisurely...sounds weird? it hasn't been long since we have been able to do that. For the longest time I felt that there was a sense of discomfort when we were out together. But now, heels or without heels, village or urban crowd, we chill! we forget that there is a world around us :D
He says he doesn't need an occasion to buy gifts for me and he does buy them all the time except on occasions :( But two years ago on Valentines day, he toured the city malls and showered with packets wrapped with red hearts and roses. He must have used up all the determination and courage he had...but it paid off! I still get butterflies in my stomach reminiscing that evening. Only if he realized, that it's an annual affair. :P
There was a night he cooked for me...set up a formal candle lit dinner at his place. And that night we danced. that is if dancing for 3 minutes counts as dancing. So It's not the high end dinners that I fancy... No I'm not hinting that you should cooked more often but doing just once is not going to last a lifetime! :)
I'm REALLY happy when I'm in close contact with God through prayers, reading the scripture listening to His word and being around fellow believers and esp. when my loved one is part of it. Like the few times, when I'm praying and he holds my hand and listen and when am done, the way he hugs me tight. Wow. I experience ultimate happiness! I feel closer to him when he sees the spiritual part of me.
Sigh, I just love being with my girl friends! I've realized that to expect perfection in friendships only make me unhappy. I give what I can but expects nothing in return. And I hope, married or not, we will continue to have fun. May they remain my forever power girls!!
I love to cook Naga food! and it always turns out yummy! I've had people call me up for recipes :P. I'd like him to try someday coz that's one food I'm great at. But I do like cooking Indian food for him except of course I stress way too much...fearing for that face he might make.
Every time I spend time with his folks I go back home with a smile on my face. That's a new form of happiness I've come to enjoy.
I've discovered my love for photography to the fullest. And I hope I'm gifted with a nice camera ASAP :P
I've come to love online window shopping more. Blame Hyderabad poor taste in fashion.
Mumbai. just one day and the place that made me feel at home.
I have loved the many mornings he came to my place waking me up with that gentle kiss. I wish to feed him the best breakfast in the world. (That reminds me, I NEED to learn cooking)
The past year, I have immensely loved reality TV, playing scrabble, fashion, home decor and photography blogs. This year I hope to enjoy studying too.
I love cookies with tea, muffins with nuts, coffee in coffee houses, fruits at home, biryani with coke or pepsi (when am hungry), pan with lots of supariand without the zarda, flowers without the plastic wrappers, maggi noodles with green chilly, babies without kajal, dresses with pockets, diamond on my finger, magazine editorials, a good digestion, white curtains and vases, restored furniture, fresh juices, small dining table, bonfires, leftover food, midnight snack, His jeans, wedding gowns. etc.
2009 went away last night. I heard the glitter opening up in the sky.Only it was distant. But I could feel it evaporating into darkness until the last bit. It was the broken disc, the torn garment that glared through. I wake up to a new year--where the traces of last night has been cleared and cleaned. 2010 is an important year for me. It is the year when I will be saying "I do" to the most wonderful man. That someone I will be spending endless evenings sipping tea in the balcony, learn to ski and skate, eat Thai street food and Sushi.
The one who will not let me get fat but get fatter himself, he who watches TV snuggled up in the orange sofa like it's the last day of TVdom, the one that who says, "I live for your happiness" and means it. The one I will have difficulty living with (esp. with the fan swirling over the head even when the room is conditioned to be 17 degree C) but certainty cannot live without. 2010--a year we will look back at constantly and I know, it'll make us happy. May our Almighty God bless us and our plans. I leave my favorite verse and this is the theme of our year to come:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge HIM and he will make your paths straight". proverbs 3:5
