lost

Thwarted. Frustrated.

In a strange land

Where cuckoos cry

Here I search for my languished words and life.

trance

When I feel lonely and depressed and useless and stupid and everything and when I find my days rotting in nothingness, I blame it on PMS. Yesterday when I shouted at my dad because he complained that I didn’t call him for a month when he in fact asked me to call him everyday. I blamed it on PMS. When I accused my friends calling them “hopeless” and “ungentlemen” and screwed up their lovely evening because they didn’t offer to give me a lift. I blamed it again on PMS. When my dearest friend stayed the night at my place and I ranted about the annoying auto drivers, bad birthday gifts, rude smses, the heat, my weight and the nosy -noisy watchman. She patiently listened and consoled me saying “it’s just PMS”.
I fought with my loved one for no apparent reason. Hurting him again and again and again. I warned him about my “upcoming mood swings” but then how long can he understand and bear my wickedness. Today he walked out of my house, of my life.

Perhaps it’s not just PMS; it’s the person that I’m. Unforgiving. Selfish and an Avenger at its best.

away

the sky under which my folks reside :)

mom's anthurium

Thank you 2007!

I’ve been away for quite a long time now! Was away on the hills, at home-- with folks for Christmas and New Year and some more. And then, the post vacation bug bugged me for quite some time.

My family spent Christmas together after six long years and perhaps that was one reason why it was exceptionally awesome. We were all so full of love! Hardly any fights except fighting for my darling nephew. The first grandchild in the family and I guess that explains it. Until I come up with any fancy thoughts, I leave here some of the pictures I clicked during my vacation.

Have a beautiful year!

It's been almost two years now since dad retired. A workaholic that he was..fell into depression until he decided to take up gardening. The moment I reached home he took me around exhibiting his well tended beans, the mustard, the broomsticks, berries and the works! He is happy--thanks to a tension free job and we are happy too...coz we get to relish fresh veggies and fruits straight from the garden! :)

"it's my turn to kiss him!" "no it's mine"!! "It's my turn ...you just did it!" and the baby says: "bug off you adults! it hurts" (my bros Justine and Wallie, cousin Apok and the hero Nung

moa the baby)

my cheeks have turned pink!

The view from my veranda. Notice the star? that's a neighbor's Christmas star hosted on a bamboo.

This river runs down below my aunt's

cottage in a small town "Tsudikong". while the adults were catching up, we kids decided to try the raft. (am not in the picture though...my turn came later but no one captured my glorious moment of rafting for the first time!)

anticipation

I stepped out of my house, barefoot and unawares

And felt the dewy pebbles on my feet.

Around me, the birds chirped

Perching on the rooftop of the coop.

This was no poetry; this was real

I even saw the sun peaking out of the clouds and the mountains

In all its splendor, in royal orange mixed with a tinge of crimson red

Its rays fell on my hair, I touched, and it was warm.

I tiptoed towards the wind house

Built with bamboo, and leaned on one of its poles

The star shone down on me

The star we hosted on a bamboo, against the sky

Indicating Jesus’ birthday, the bulb still on.

I looked down and saw men in khaki cleaning the roads and trimming the cherry trees.

I remembered we planted those as part of our school activity

“Cherry trees grow fast” said our teacher,

I now know, he spoke some more facts apart from the school textbooks

I also saw my neighbor, an aunty, pulling out mustard leaves from her garden,

ahh! The seasonal vegetable growing activity I had forgotten

This is December, mustard grows this season, and beans in July

Pumpkins in April and corn in August

While still counting, I heard music coming from the other neighbor’s house
"Joy to the world the lord has come” filled the morning breeze
I sang along in alto.
Another one started at a distance: “jingle bells, jingle all the way”
Jingling aloud for all to hear!
I became conscious: “what if the neighbors complain”?
But remembered that this is how things are here
This is home.
People see no awkwardness in playing loud music,
Especially in this Christmas season.
So with the mixed bag of music echoing into my ears,
I gazed towards the tiny villages on hilltops
Glittering with starlights,
Breaking into day with the sun now rising higher
Warming my body and my soul.

sheep counting

My pillow feels harder tonight as if the cramps on my feet are not hard enough. A heavy tummy after savoring a plate of steak and some guilt, and this heart with some burdens of my own whims, sleep seems afar. I try to think of you but I only see that ‘look’ you gave me when I told you “I miss you”. I’m sure I sound absurd sitting right beside you and missing you. But I do. I long for your care: just a ‘look’ or a gentle touch is what I want. And when you do that, the pillow will seem soft, the cramps will be ignored, feel thin and sleep with that smile on my face. That smile you love.

You see, I’m as simple as that! And you still have the guts to call me complicated.

depression

Like dew drops

Falling off every yam leaf

Is my zeal for life.

moments

I catch myself smiling when I think of the way you tilted your head and innocently told me that I’m not beautiful but cute. And when I gave you that puzzled look, you struggled to come up with your own definition of “cute”. You said it was a combination of beautiful, smart and a charming personality! I vowed never to look up the dictionary for the actual meaning.

haiku

Winter is here!

Time for coal and cold

With you gone

Tears roll down

Burning my bare cheeks

And my heart

But I will

Be healed and held

And be loved.